


Learning To Breathe

by Alchemymini



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 15:00:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18054746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alchemymini/pseuds/Alchemymini
Summary: Years have passed and Killua and Gon finally are able to recover from their time apart. While chatting, they find out that they both were trying to communicate for the longest time...





	Learning To Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Valentine’s Day contribution from a competition I did years ago with an old fanfiction buddy. It was originally written February 15,2015... so it is an oldie but I wanted to share. I did use lyrics from a song. This is the song if you are really curious or are wondering if something sounded familiar:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_ktCDCyhAI

Despite the modern technology filled world they had come to know and live in, Killua and Gon both were strangers to a good deal of it. Both boys could enjoy a decent video game, laughing for hours and ending up tangled in sudden fights and gaming controllers when one of them lost. Though, they much more preferred rolling in the grass and jumping through the trees. They wanted to feel the wind in their hair, not constantly stare with glazed eyes at a flickering television screen.

When it came to communication they were no different. The moment the boys had turned their backs on each other at the foot of the World Tree, they had lost a good deal of touch. Clicking keys on a cellphone was just not a substitute for hearing the other’s voice, and neither had the courage to hit the “call” button. Two years had passed with only a few lit screens, a few clumsy texts, and a few groans of frustration.

Both boys eventually turned to paper and pen. Feelings they could never express poured out onto the white paper, coloring it with descriptions of love, loss, and regret. Little love letters written in red, folded up put away next to the bed. Little crushed hopes every day. The letters began to stockpile, neither of the young writers courageous enough to slip their words into an envelope and release them into the world. The person they wanted to most read their words never would, it seemed.

****

“Hmn? Gon what is this?”

Killua turned on his heel, pulling a tiny box from the top shelf of their now shared closet. The boys had finally reunited after nearly four years apart, and were moving their belongings one item at a time into the small apartment they had managed to find on rather short notice. Leorio had probably pulled some strings for them.

Amber eyes widened in horror when he saw the box in Killua’s hands, his fingers slipping under the box’s sides, centimeters from opening it and discovering the contents for himself. Gon practically stomped across the room.

“It’s nothing! Give it back!”

“It’s not like I took it from you.” Killua raised an eyebrow curiously, lifting the box above his head and out of Gon’s reach. What is it anyway?”

“That isn’t important just—“

“Gon stop—!”

The jumping struggle to pry the box from Killua’s strong fingers ended in a slip of woolen socks on a wooden floor. A flutter of paper filled the air, as both hunters landed hard on the ground.

“Tch…Gon, what the hell?” Killua pushed his friend off of him with one pale hand, his other picking up one of the fallen treasures from the ground. His blue eyes rolled in annoyance, bringing the piece of paper to his face. Feeling a bit hurt at Gon’s retaliation, Killua’s lips frowned in a thin line. “What could be so bad you couldn’t show me?”

“Killua, please don’t.” Gon’s hands flailed, trying to snatch the letter from his hand, failing miserably, only resulting in his butt hitting the ground hard again after a shove from Killua.

Killua had operated on impulse, shoving Gon away as his eyes strained against the red ink penned letters. Gon had never had very good handwriting. Not being schooled like many kids his age, his strokes were as wild as he was. The meanings behind those hastily scrawled words by contrast were painfully clear.

“Killua,

I really am sorry. There are so many ways that I wanted to make up to you what I did, but I have never gotten the chance. The last year has been so painful without you. Aunt Mito told me once that you never really know what you have until it is gone. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. How much I have realized how much you meant to me. I was such an idiot. I am still an idiot. Is it wrong to ask you to forgive me again? For real this time. Like, could you give me an opportunity to make it up to you?”

Killua heard the hitch in his throat before he felt it. His sapphire eyes trailed up from the letter to try and meet Gon’s. He didn’t have any luck. Gon had surrendered completely, his body slackened in embarrassment, humiliation, and grief, eyes unseen and turned toward the floor.

Killua found himself on his feet, pacing a few steps to pick up another fallen letter from the ground, followed by another, and another…

“Killua,

Where are you right now? I am not sure where I am. I just started walking and haven’t stopped since. At first, I was going to look for a way to gain my Nen back, but…It seems so worthless without you beside me. Do you remember when we first learned Nen? We were both side by side, learning and fighting, and training together. I would give up ever getting my Nen back to have one more second next to you.”

“I don’t deserve to be with you. I know that now. I can’t even get up the courage to text you anymore. There are so many things…so many that I want to tell you but they won’t come out right.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”

Killua had seen enough. The latest letter still in hand, Killua closed the distance between them. He dropped to a sitting position, sliding a finger under Gon’s chin, forcing their eyes to meet. He wasn’t prepared for the tears trailing down Gon’s face, the normally happy and alive chocolate eyes streaming and filled with regret. How many times had he looked like this? How many times had he cried, completely alone? Killua had always had Alluka’s presence to comfort him…to wrap a warm hug around him when his breathing became ragged. But Gon-

Killua shifted, pulling himself almost into Gon’s lap as he wrapped his arms around Gon’s shuddering shoulders. He was trying to hold it in, and Killua knew it. The young assassin was no stranger to trying to keep his emotions secured between tightly locked doors. Though, he had grown, and was now a master at slowly picking locks.

Running his fingers through Gon’s raven strands, Killua placed his mouth right next to Gon’s ear. He wanted him to hear his words, plain as day: “You don’t have to keep holding it in you know? It’s okay not to smile.“

Click. Lock opened. Like a dam exploding, Gon’s scream ripped through the apartment. Grabbing Killua’s shirt tightly, he dug his face into the cloth, his screams vibrating against Killua’s chest and off the walls. Years of remorse caught in his throat only to sputter off his lips moments later incoherently.

Killua adjusted their position, pulling Gon into his lap instead and pressing him closer against his chest and body. His hands moved to comfort him, one lovingly stroking his hair and the other running trails down Gon’s heaving back.

“Ki-Ki-Killua, I-I-I’m so-s-s-so sorry.”

“I know, Gon. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“NO.”

“Shh…it is, it is.”

The hand planted on Gon’s back readjusted to be once again under Gon’s face, Killua’s blue being absorbed into Gon’s hazel.

“You know,” the young assassin whispered, never breaking eye contact. “I wrote you letters, too.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Patting him one more time on the head, Killua gently lifted Gon off his lap and hurried to peer under his bed, pulling out his own little box. His determination faltering slightly, a blush starting to break out across his face. Gon had been ashamed of his feelings, he had been wavering on whether he even deserved to tell Killua how he felt. Killua on the other hand…

“Actually, nevermind.” Killua turned his attention to the ceiling, his racing heartbeat overpowering his intent. What had kept Killua from sending the letters was not something as intricate as a guilty conscious, but his own embarrassment.

Sniffling, Gon mopped his face with the back of his hand before bursting out in a fit of laughter. They were the same as always. Looking at Killua, rocking back and forth on his heels, shielding the box behind him, Gon wasn’t sure what he really ever had to worry about. Choking on the remnants of the sobs in his throat that had morphed into laughter, Gon scrambled to his feet.

“Killuuaaa! That isn’t fair!” Gon’s approach was swift and more determined than his last, knocking Killua off his feet and onto the soft mattress.

“Gon, stop!”

“I showed you mine, you show me yours!”

Even though his eyes were puffy from the tears, Gon’s smile was back to how it always was, shining and absolutely intoxicating. Killua couldn’t deny that smile anything.

“F-fine. Though, you only get to read one right now.”

“Why?”

“C…Cause it is the only one that matters.”

Shoving Gon a little too harshly off of him, Killua dug around in the box until he found the only letter sealed in an envelope. It was the single letter he had ever gotten even close to sending, but in the end he had left the post office a more embarrassed wreck than he did when he walked in.

Gon swiped the letter from Killua’s hand, already recovered fully from his earlier crying fit.

Killua leaned his face against his palm, not fighting back the little smile he normally would. It was better now than later, anyway. Still, his heart kicked into overdrive when Gon finally tore the letter from its envelope prison.

Gon,

I haven’t spoken to you in a good while. Are you eating alright? Are you alright? When we decided to walk different paths, I never really realized that meant never knowing how you were doing. I have to admit it is difficult. I was always trying to protect you back then. How silly, right? You are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. You may be an idiot, but you are resourceful. I am sure you are fine, but…could you let me know? It is really hard for me to write this but… I really miss you. A lot. I wonder what you are doing all the time. I really care for you is what I am saying. I love you.

Gon didn’t even notice the tears had started to fall again until the “you” smudged in front of him. Little water droplets running down Killua’s confession like a babbling brook. True relief was something Gon had not experienced until that moment. The chains that had iron fastened to his heart started to loosen finally after so many years.

The two spent the rest of the day snuggled next to each other, Gon with his head on Killua’s shoulder. Killua with his hand lost in Gon’s hair and presence. It was a scene they had both needed. Gon had needed a moment to tell Killua how he really was feeling, and Killua needed a chance to accept those feelings.

“I love you, too,” Gon mumbled, nuzzling Killua’s shoulder.

Finally, two souls were able to breathe again, lost in a silence that was theirs. Hands intertwined, both boys sighed in contentment and let the world pass them by. Eventually, they were able to explore each other’s boxes. Reaching back in time, learning through scribbled letters exactly how far they had come and would go together.


End file.
